Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
