dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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