I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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