The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
