my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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