im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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