I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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