Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
