My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
