I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
