If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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