I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
