Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
