if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
