I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
