What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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