we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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