also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
