you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
