He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
