I love black thongs
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
