I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
