Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
