hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
