Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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