I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
