I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
