Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
