My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
