using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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