is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
