tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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