Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
