Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
