I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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