If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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