I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
