At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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