If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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