I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
