I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
