my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
