Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
