I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
this is an emotional support booty call
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
