All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
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