Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Can Purell be used as lube?
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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