I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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