So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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