Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Randomize
