guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
