My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
