Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
