is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
