My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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