Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just had sex on a roof
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
