im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
You smell like a Billy Joel song
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
