I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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