would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
