Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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