moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
of course. lets lasso hookers.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
