are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
