We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
